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I'm afraid some of them were never able to get over the desire for it, even after I released them."That was both reassuring and frightening. It helped to know that I wasn't the only one who had self-destructive urges. It also told me the reason why many of his victims would not testify — they could not risk anyone finding out that they had such perverted desires, or they were grateful for having their sex organs upgraded and didn't want to have to declare that publicly, either. The unfortunate ones would have to have been put into straightjackets to keep them from hurting themselves. Some might not have been diagnosed quickly enough. Those might have succeeded in some form of self-mutilation. That was the real horror that the police report kept secret and that had bothered Gail so much — that they could be made to do want to do things like that to themselves.Everyone's worst nightmare is to be turned into the thing that they fear most. In this case, they had become their own. I hit my head and knew and felt nothing until you were there holding my hand and talking to me. I can't tell you how wonderful that was and I was terrified I was dreaming."They smiled at each other."The second time I came to and you told me what had happened it all came back to me and I started to feel guilty on two counts: first that I had, at least indirectly, been responsible for Hudson's death, second, and this was the big one, that I should have refused to obey Robert and then physically restrained him if he had been so foolhardy as to lead the platoon himself."Victoria nodded. She was not going to disturb his train of thought."Despite everything that the CO, James, Corporal Skinner and the lads in Benghazi said that guilt persisted. The kind and understanding letter I had back from Hudson's parents helped a lot but the main guilt persisted. The Board of Inquiry exonerating me also helped but then the Defending Officer at the Court Martial confirmed what I still felt." What.
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